Yesterday I had my counselor appointment. I go to her so that I can have someone that I dont have to worry about judging me for all the crazy things that I do. The problem with that and all other things that I have to do that require money, I have to ask for money from him. I have no access to money right now. All money I receive is suppose to go right back to him. So if he doesnt leave me money I dont do things that require money, like go grocery shopping. But this was something that I was not about to miss out on. If anything after the attitude I got I needed it more than anything else. And I am glad that I did!
It was just the bonk on the head that I needed to get my life moving forward again. She told me that my unhappiness was coming from the way that I was being treated and that only I could change me. Which got me to realize that I am a different person with my husband than I am with anyone else. I dont have a problem telling anyone else what I think, just him. No clue as to what happened in my life to make me feel that I couldnt tell him. But I had it twisted in my mind that he wouldnt care or wouldnt like what I had to say. So I zipped my lips and shut up.
But not anymore...I have tasted my first real freedom in my marriage and I loved it. I told him that I spend money when I am unhappy with my life. And the debt got to be so bad that that was the fueling my spending more because I was unhappy with the situation that I had gotten myself into. Until it all came to a crashing disaster and then I felt like I had nothing to make me happy. Then I told him that I was stronger than I was letting myself be and I wasnt going to let that happen anymore. His plan on the money wasnt working and it was time that I take over some of this stuff. I dont want full power over the money but I do want to be able to go grocery shopping when I need too.
All in all I think things are going to start looking up. I am exerting my independence...watch out!!!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Depression
Depression defined by Mr. Webster is: an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a: a pressing down : lowering b (1): a state of feeling sad : dejection (2): a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1): a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2): a lowering of vitality or functional activity.
Let me clarify...I am not depressed! But I am dealing with a depressed husband which really brings down a room. My problem is trying to figure out how to convince him to go and see someone. I honestly am not qualified to deal with this problem.
What is it like living with someone going through depression? Well it means that most of the time you have to hear about what is wrong with you and the life that you have together. You have to walk around praying that he had a good day today. It means that you have watch someone you love suffer and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to help them through it. It means that you go to sleep hoping that today will be a better day and go to bed praying that this will all be over with soon. And the only time that you really feel relief is when that person is not in the house.
My plan so far has been to carry the load and deal with his mood changes. I tell myself that it is the depression and not his true feelings. But depression is really hard not to take personal. I was informed today that I needed to keep us going because he is on a sinking ship. Unfortunately I am afraid that he is going to pull me under with him.
The one thing that I have going for me to keep me afloat is my girls and my optimism. I just wish that I could slip a little bit of that into a pill and drug my husband with it. But I remember that the Lord does not give us anything that we can not happen. And that our affliction will only be but a moment.
Let me clarify...I am not depressed! But I am dealing with a depressed husband which really brings down a room. My problem is trying to figure out how to convince him to go and see someone. I honestly am not qualified to deal with this problem.
What is it like living with someone going through depression? Well it means that most of the time you have to hear about what is wrong with you and the life that you have together. You have to walk around praying that he had a good day today. It means that you have watch someone you love suffer and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to help them through it. It means that you go to sleep hoping that today will be a better day and go to bed praying that this will all be over with soon. And the only time that you really feel relief is when that person is not in the house.
My plan so far has been to carry the load and deal with his mood changes. I tell myself that it is the depression and not his true feelings. But depression is really hard not to take personal. I was informed today that I needed to keep us going because he is on a sinking ship. Unfortunately I am afraid that he is going to pull me under with him.
The one thing that I have going for me to keep me afloat is my girls and my optimism. I just wish that I could slip a little bit of that into a pill and drug my husband with it. But I remember that the Lord does not give us anything that we can not happen. And that our affliction will only be but a moment.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Intro to my life....
My name is Sarah. I am an almost 27 year mother of 2 little girls who has been married for 9 years. My life revolves around cleaning my house, raising my kids, running my photography business, trying to keep in shape, and being the "good" wife that takes care of her husband.
For the past 2 years I have accumulated a lot of debt behind my husbands back. I think that I did this to fill the void in my life and marriage. Look at it as this is my addiction for control in my life. If you look back I lost control but while I was spending I felt better about my life for a brief moment. And then some of it was to buy stuff that we need to live off but I couldnt ask my husband for more money for my grocery budget.
When I say ask, I mean that I have to ask to buy things...everything because we have separate finances. And I dont have a lot of money coming in to sustain a household of 4. So I have to ask for everything. We did get to a point in our marriage that I was able to pay bills (with his money) and have a little bit of trust with his money. That is all gone now that the truth is out about my debt. Now I have to explain every cent I use, over and over again. I also have turn over any money I get to my husband. And hear him complain about how bad he has it financailly.
I admit that what I did was wrong and it is taking a huge chuck out of our savings. But we are still bringing in income, still saving money, and we still have savings. We are not on the verge of bankrupsy or losing our house but with my husbands attitude you would think that this was the case. I hear constantly how he gets screwed over at work and has gotten screwed over at home. He feels that he has been taken advantage of by everyone. And I agree that my debt wasnt in his plan but this man is no where near taken advantage of.
He goes to work and then comes home and sits at the computer. He has never done laundry, dishes, cleaned up our entire marriage unless he has too. Which is when I am gone and he is alone. If I am busy with a photoshoot and unable to cook dinner for him we go out for dinner because he doesnt cook for himself. I guess he did when he wanted to go on a special diet and I refused to cook for him...but that stopped when he went off his diet. His only household duty is paying the bills. Which if you asked him he would claim that he has to do everything. I admit that he has a pretty crap job. He works alot and doesnt get the amount of money that he deserves. But he is only 31 yrs. old and that is something that you have to kind of work up to. This year probably would have gone better if the economy wasnt as bad as it is...no raise...poor husband!!!!
I think that what I did was wrong. I shouldnt have lied about the debt and kept it a secret. And I just shouldnt have bought things that I didnt need. Plain and simple: Live within your means. I realize that now. But everyday I have to deal with a 31 yr. old man that complains about how bad he has it. How he wishes sometimes that he were dead. And everyday I have to hear about how I am not getting things and how stupid I am. How we dont have money to do anything and he doesnt have time to do everything. And the list goes on and on and on.
So I am starting this blog to guide me through this mess. To try to make sense of it somehow for me. I think that it is important that I try to keep it together as best I can right now and this is my attempt to do so. We'll see if it works! And if it doesnt this a document on how to slowly lose your mind!
For the past 2 years I have accumulated a lot of debt behind my husbands back. I think that I did this to fill the void in my life and marriage. Look at it as this is my addiction for control in my life. If you look back I lost control but while I was spending I felt better about my life for a brief moment. And then some of it was to buy stuff that we need to live off but I couldnt ask my husband for more money for my grocery budget.
When I say ask, I mean that I have to ask to buy things...everything because we have separate finances. And I dont have a lot of money coming in to sustain a household of 4. So I have to ask for everything. We did get to a point in our marriage that I was able to pay bills (with his money) and have a little bit of trust with his money. That is all gone now that the truth is out about my debt. Now I have to explain every cent I use, over and over again. I also have turn over any money I get to my husband. And hear him complain about how bad he has it financailly.
I admit that what I did was wrong and it is taking a huge chuck out of our savings. But we are still bringing in income, still saving money, and we still have savings. We are not on the verge of bankrupsy or losing our house but with my husbands attitude you would think that this was the case. I hear constantly how he gets screwed over at work and has gotten screwed over at home. He feels that he has been taken advantage of by everyone. And I agree that my debt wasnt in his plan but this man is no where near taken advantage of.
He goes to work and then comes home and sits at the computer. He has never done laundry, dishes, cleaned up our entire marriage unless he has too. Which is when I am gone and he is alone. If I am busy with a photoshoot and unable to cook dinner for him we go out for dinner because he doesnt cook for himself. I guess he did when he wanted to go on a special diet and I refused to cook for him...but that stopped when he went off his diet. His only household duty is paying the bills. Which if you asked him he would claim that he has to do everything. I admit that he has a pretty crap job. He works alot and doesnt get the amount of money that he deserves. But he is only 31 yrs. old and that is something that you have to kind of work up to. This year probably would have gone better if the economy wasnt as bad as it is...no raise...poor husband!!!!
I think that what I did was wrong. I shouldnt have lied about the debt and kept it a secret. And I just shouldnt have bought things that I didnt need. Plain and simple: Live within your means. I realize that now. But everyday I have to deal with a 31 yr. old man that complains about how bad he has it. How he wishes sometimes that he were dead. And everyday I have to hear about how I am not getting things and how stupid I am. How we dont have money to do anything and he doesnt have time to do everything. And the list goes on and on and on.
So I am starting this blog to guide me through this mess. To try to make sense of it somehow for me. I think that it is important that I try to keep it together as best I can right now and this is my attempt to do so. We'll see if it works! And if it doesnt this a document on how to slowly lose your mind!
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